People die.
That’s the law.
I just wasn’t ready for my brother to die and that’s the truth.
I suppose it’s because he’s bounced back from adversity so many times during his 72 years, we..his family and friends..just figured he wouldn’t let Parkinson’s, COPD, a heart that wouldn’t stay in rhythm, CREST Syndrome and a few other physical ailments stand in his way of recovery this time.
It was too much, of course, and it turned out that Saturday August 16th would be Dennis Lund’s last day on earth. He tried to hang on so everyone could be there but he was hurting and breathing was such a chore. Totally aware of everything going on, Denny accepted our expressions of love and offered his to all of us in the room, then gave the green light for nurse Charlie to administer the morphine and end his agony.
As requested, Denny’s memorial service at Boom’s wasn’t real traditional. Pastor, Dennis Ellingson..a family friend..agreed to come out of retirement to lead the proceedings that included a memorable eulogy from Denny’s wife, Judy who recounted that final day in the hospital and some of the wonderful and witty things my brother said before dying. Judy was well aware that her husband loved the game of golf almost as much as he loved her yet she made sure there was a definite golf theme to his service; the most obvious being my brother’s ashes contained in a golf-ball shaped urn.
I got up next trying to keep the mood light telling tales of growing up together..sharing a bed..me wetting that bed and he accidentally rolling into the puddle. That haunted me through the years when Denny would bring it up in front of people who’d recognize me from TV. I also got some chuckles talking about my brother’s various business adventures..especially raising Llamas and how I’d cringe when people would ask me to explain what in the world he was doing that for. My younger brother, Tom was next and, again, with humor through the pauses for swallowing, talked of Denny’s influence on our lives; his bravado, his lightening-fast wit and his surprising tender side. Then Denny and Judy’s son, Jay summoned up the emotional stamina to tell one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard about he and his dad digging fence posts at the Llama farm on a cold autumn day.
There was actually applause after it was over and, as the overflow crowd slowly exited from the room to the music of Blood, Sweat and Tears “When I Die,” I couldn’t help overhear many people saying it was one of the best funerals they’d ever attended. Others said the weirdest. Still others mentioned an hour long roller coaster ride of emotions.
In keeping with the theme of celebration over melancholy, everyone gathered at the VFW where a special room was set aside for us to meet and enjoy pizza from Denny and Judy’s favorite place, Tomacelli’s, along with beverages and an open mic for sharing Denny stories.
Denny and Judy’s first born son, Mitchell, along with his wife, Jodi, hardly left his dad’s side throughout the entire stay in the hospital and Good Sam. But, being even more emotional than the rest of us, Mitch chose not to speak at the service. But later at the VFW gathering, he absolutely brought hysterical laughter telling the story of once running into his dad at one of Mitchell, South Dakota’s more notorious night spots. Father and son used to joke about the incident with Mitch suggesting he was named after the city to our west. But there was no kidding around on the Saturday of Denny’s passing, though, when..for the first time ever, he called his eldest boy..”sweetheart.”
The next day was going through sympathy cards and sending “Thank-you’s.”
The last two days I haven’t left the house except to pick up a few essentials. It’s been mostly sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.
My brother’s passing isn’t about me and yet he was such a part of who I am, the reality of what’s transpired seems unacceptable. We didn’t see each other every “month” much less every day yet I always knew he was there to answer a question or offer advice; my one true blood source that I trusted.
As I stood over him last Saturday, I told him again how much I’ve loved and idolized him all my life and what an influence he’s been on nearly everything I’ve done. What I didn’t ask, though, is about dying itself. I selfishly wanted to know what he’s experiencing…if he could lead the way again and let me know that he sees the light and everything would be okay on the other side.
But it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway; morphine, by that time, had numbed his reality and within a short time a single tear slid down his cheek and, with a room full of sobbing loved ones looking on, Denny drew his last breath.
Okay, this next part might be what journalists call “burying the lead” but then most journalists probably wouldn’t accept what I’m about to relate as anything but pure fiction anyway but here goes.
Facebook is not everybody’s cup of tea but I like it. Of course you have to overlook the political rambling, silly game requests and other hooey, but it has allowed me to hook up with old friends and new who have been fun to play and celebrate with as well as offer council and sympathy to. Lord knows I’ve been on the receiving end of that a lot lately for which I’m profoundly grateful.
One of those friends is a woman I’ve never met; Greg Latza’s mom, Carol. She posted this on her timeline just as I sat down to my computer feeling very depressed.
A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they’ll appear.
My first thought was chain letter or one of those religious ultimatum sayings that pop up now and again on social media but, there were no demands here. Just a declarative statement that says look for them..they’ll appear. So I said, “Oh yeah?” “Appear then!” and looked out my window at the tree.
Within 5 seconds a beautiful red cardinal landed and paraded around on the branch not 15 feet from the window! I’ve seen them in my tree before..maybe a couple times a year..usually hidden in the leaves. This beautiful representative hopped proudly in full view. When my heart finally left my throat, I hollered for Linda to come quick. But by the time she got here, the scarlet messenger had taken flight.
I only hope that the passage of time and the inevitable skepticism that haunts my being will not dilute this experience..this reassurance I’ve been given..expressed best in words from a favorite hymn: “It is well…it is well..with my soul.”
24 Responses
This was a wonderful day brightener for me, Doug. Thank-you for sharing with us FB friends.
Blessings to your family, brothers are very special. I lost mine 3 years ago. It still hurts.
Doug,
God gave you a God given talent to not only write, but to capture the love of those we have lost. I brought humor into my Dad’s funeral, Michael E. Lang, Michael’s Restaurant, Worthington, MN., because in my opinion, life is not your last days, but the journey! Those you touch and those who have touched you. Doug, you have touched me in my journey of life, and I Thank You.
Much care and love from Montana,
Greg, Michelle and Charlie (our yellow lab)
Hi Doug, your brother came into Shop n Cart on 6th and Cleveland everyday when he was driving the school bus. I miss him. He would say he needed to watch his girlish figure so he would buy a donut. I didnt relize his health was that bad. He never acted like he was sick. Take care. Denny will be missed
Thanks Doug. Its a journey isnt it? Thanks for letting us know him a little.
Doug:
Sorry that neither Donna nor I could not attend Denny’s service. Thank you for giving us a small insight to the sad, yet happy gathering.
I have to believe that when Denny arrived Pat Brennan was waiting for him in a golf cart, they are more than likely on the back nine now.
RIP Denny.
Tears again as I read this, and thought, it really did happen. I’m so happy you saw his cardinal. He loved you and worried about you as only a big brother can. He wanted you to know he’s doing just fine now. Love you so much!
A life time of memories can never replace a loved one, but, thank God for those memories!
Doug, That was a beautiful tribute to your brother. I have often thought of cardinals as representing the spirit of those I love, but had never heard there was anything more to it than the ramblings of an over-emotional oman. It’s so nice to know I am not alone! So sorry for your pan, but glad there are still moments when thoughts of Denny bring as many smiles as tears. God speed, Denny.
Doug, it takes a special talent of a journalist/author to put words on paper in such a way to bring tears to the eyes of the reader. The gentle way you conveyed this story and your feelings made it a two-kleenexer about someone I didn’t even know. Well done…….again.
One of your most touching, and best, blogs ever!
Doug,
I m so sorry to hear of your loss. My family too is experiencing the ramifications of COPD along with heart issues with our father. I wish for you to remember all the good times you had with your brother for those will and cannot ever be taken away from you. God bless your family.
Reading you blog reminded me so forcefully that the 2 Chronister brothers have been gone a long time and how I do miss them!
Doug,
A superbly written tribute to your brother from your heart.
You do have a real special talent in your writing.
Thank you for sharing your brother with us at this sad time. I cried as I read it although I never had the good fortune to meet Denny.
You have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your brother. I know how hard it is to lose a sibling. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
That’s the cardinal rule you’ve heard so much tell about.
Beautiful tribute. Sympathy to you and your family in your loss.
Beautiful tribute. Sympathy to you and your family in your loss. I have never seen a Cardinal. . .would love to. I always feel when I see a dragonfly that it is my mother saying hello and rest easy.
So sorry Doug and my prayers for your family, may you find solace for your aching hearts. Repeating what Linda and Tom said in their comments, i’m cryin with you, a two kleenexer for someone i never met, but we do have empathy. So happy for you that the cardinal appeared at just the right time, right when you needed to see it.
So sorry for your loss, Doug. I have so enjoyed reading your blog over the years. This insight into your relationship with your brother brought tears. I lost my brother a little over a year ago to COPiD and though we didn’t see each other as often as we would have liked, I always knew he was there for me. He was an avid fisherman and I know that he is happily fishing in heaven with our dad and grandfather. Again, sympathy and prayers for you and your family. God bless…
Sympathies Doug and families. We say, ‘we’ll meet again’, our assurance of faith.
When I see butterflies around, those remind me of my folks (gone but never forgotten). And when butterflies come near me & a tear appears or I speak a word of hello, off they flutter. No time for sadness I guess. Just think.. the birds, butterflies & dragonflies all appear during day’LIGHT’ hours..in “HIM” is no darkness. ~fsl.
All our love is being poured out to your broken heart hoping to fill it up again.
I am looking for that Cardinal now!! Love you so much,
Hi Doug, I know I know, everyone says read this, read that … But please, i would like to recommend you read the book “Final Gifts”. You will probably have to get it from the Hospice office, it is written by Hospice nurses, it helped me a lot when my husband passed away. It is not a book you read cover-to-cover, you read what you feel applies to your situation. I believe it will help answer some questions about dying that you said to wanted to ask your brother.
Doug, my Mom passed away one month ago and it has been a hard time. My mom was still alive when you wrote this blog and I thought to myself geez how much more proof do you need that your brother is ok? Today I was thinking about how much I missed my Mom when I was pulling into work and One hour later guess what I saw? A cardinal! I nearly lost my breath. I have never seen a cardinal in SD my whole life. Again Doug how much more proof do we need? God is great!!!