If I hear my doctor try talk me into having a colonoscopy one more time I’m going to ……I’m going to …..well, have one I guess.
Yup, I finally relented when, during my last check up, he found my excuses to be especially flimsy IE: I think I’d be the first to know if something was wrong with my own plumbing. There’s no history of colon cancer in my family. Besides, we Norwegians are a modest bunch and I would likely die of embarrassment if I had to bare my ass under mercury vapor lights in front of a crowd of men and women wearing masks armed with a mile-long length of hose that had a camera and a snipper affixed on the end of it.
Full disclosure here, I’m planning some minor surgery in November and for Medicare to pick up the tab I’m required to have a colonoscopy..so Tuesday was my first experience of being “in” TV instead of on it. But, let’s start at the beginning.
“Whaddya want for your last meal.” Linda said after church on Sunday.
“Geeze I wish you’d put that a little differently.” I said nervously.
“You know what I mean. You’re the one who was only going to eat once today so you wouldn’t have so much inside your system to, you know, evacuate the premises tomorrow.”
“Ah, yes. Well, let it be your delicious Swiss steak then.”
In savoring every scrumptious bite, I did what dietitians have been advocating forever: eat slower! In so doing, I resisted the temptation for a second helping and by 2pm my last meal was finished leaving plenty of time to get down to some serious fretting..first about the Vikings blowing another lead (which they were more than happy to oblige) and then about preparing for the great gut flush which must precede any Roto Rooter procedure.
We’ve had the infamous prep kit in our possession for a couple weeks; a gallon-size plastic jug with a pre-measured amount of highly explosive diuretic powder already inside. Just fill with water, shake well and refrigerate. Also taped to the jug were four flavor packets which apparently transform the taste of this reputedly vile liquid from something akin to gym towel squeezin’s into a quite palatable fruity beverage like strawberry, cherry or lemonade. I chose the pineapple option.
Although I had a jump start on my fast, Monday morning was the first real reminder of the sacrifice that lay ahead. Coffee WITHOUT creamer. Oh, my. By Noon, I’d grown weary of ice water and diet 7 Up. The sheet says I can have BROTH…nothing brown so that leaves chicken, I guess. All we have is chicken bullion so I heat up two cups of water and throw in a couple tablespoons of the powdered bullion as directed. I like salt but this was like drinking boiling hot sea water. Rechecked the directions. Ah ha..it says two level TEAspoons of powder. I drank it anyway but cut way back on the next couple of batches and it was okay. It would have been a lot better with soda crackers but at least it was a refreshing change from the bland sweetness of all the plain pop. 4:00 pm arrives. Time to take the two mild laxative pills. Wash them down with another full glass of water. Shake body from side to side..sounds like the wave machine at Wild Water West. 4:30 pm. Take one of two pills prescribed for anticipated nausea. Oh God.
5:00pm. I have the entire evening to down half the bottle of pineapple juice..at least that’s how I’m imagining it. To achieve my goal, I’m using a 16 ounce red Solo cup like the one Toby Keith sang about a couple years ago only I wasn’t preparing to party but to potty. I really couldn’t tell you for sure if I tasted even the slightest hint of pineapple as I gulped it straight down but it did seem to have a distinct ammonia finish. Anyway, I got through the first half and when nearing completion of the concoction on the morning of D-Day (The invasion) I was seriously thinking we should have put a seat belt on the toilet for I felt close to achieving lift off at any second. Upon arriving at Medical Building 3 with Linda by my side and giving the receptionist my birthday and insurance information for the 68th time, we were told to have a seat and wait with the other blank-faced empty boweled people in the room. That’s when I felt that little tell tale gurgle from deep within. Oh, no..there can’t be anything left but sure enough, at least one more stop was necessary. I’m sure I looked like Tim Conway doing the old man on the Carol Burnett Show as I shuffled to the rest room for, what I hoped was the final emptying. I could see from the others that they knew exactly what I was going through. By the time I finally got situated in a room, nurse Carolyn was quite impressed that a man of my age had never had a colonoscopy before but especially never been hospitalized at all since springing to life in 1946. She proceeded to ask the same questions I’ve been answering to every other person involved in my medical history for months. But rules are rules, blah blah blah. Anyway, I had a stress test done a few years ago and they gave me one of those open-back gowns that’s supposed to be one size fits all. Well, I am not in that ALL category and had to parade around the 5th floor of Medical Building 2 from exam room to exam room with my ample ass hanging free in the breeze because there was no one..nay not even a professional Victorian Era corset tightener who could have pulled those back strings together enough to conceal my big bum and spared me unnecessary embarrassment. So when I saw the gown on my bed and was told to disrobe and put it on, I mentioned the unfortunate humiliation from the past and Carolyn immediately ordered the largest in stock. I’m very glad Linda left her camera in the car and all hospital personnel are sworn to secrecy because Barnum & Bailey could have put two of their three circus rings under there with me and still had room for a few clowns.
Finally, after Carolyn found a vein to draw a little blood and insert the anesthesia it was time for two strong young nurses to wheel their heavy load into the operating room. After being instructed to lay on my left side, I don’t remember much of anything until being back in the room with Linda telling me everything was good..just three polyps safely removed and a nurse saying that the doctor had shot a blast of air up my backside and she wasn’t leaving and neither was I until she heard it come back out. You mean fart? I said. I don’t even do that in front of my wife. So Linda, at my request, left the room and I pushed and I pushed and well, let’s just say I’m home.
I guess this is supposed to be one of those Public Service Announcements about getting a colonoscopy if you’re over 50. Don’t wait as long as I did. So, for what it’s worth. It really wasn’t that bad and I’m really glad I had it done and don’t have any cancer up there.
Now, my doctor keeps harping about getting a shingles shot.
Good Lord will this ever end?
One of my favorite humorists, Dave Barry, says the doctor that did his colonoscopy has heard the following from his patients over the years:
“Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
“Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels.”
“You used to be an executive at Enron didn’t you?”
And my favorite:
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
24 Responses
Loved the story,Doug—-after working in that field for so many years I so appreciated the entire story–I do have to ask Linda about that last comment, however–that one made me laugh!! I’d come see you today, but think staying away for a few days til the “air” settles would be a plan!!!!
Hey Doug…this is one of the funniest commentaries on a colonoscopy ever written. I can relate to every word. My wife and I are both still laughing. Hats off to a great guy who is a master with the pen.
Step aside Dave Barry…..this blog was the funniest description I have ever read in my 26 years of GI nursing. I shall print it, black out your name and hang it in the GI department for all to enjoy. You were a model patient and your wife was a delightful lady. Thank you for trusting us with your care.
I have NEVER laughed so hard at something I read! I can tell you, my experience was worse, just let me say this: Bob had to hold a paper bag over my head as I hyperventilated so much I couldn’t breathe! Him/me/paper bag all in one SMALL bathroom……..it is funny now, but not so much then!………but mine turned out ok too…….gonna be awhile before I have another one tho!!! Thanks for sharing!!!
This is more comments than you’ve had on your blog in a long time….It just goes to show that if you “give the people what they want”….
Laughed so hard that tears ran down my leg.
Doug….I have followed your blog for a long time and have always enjoyed your writing. But today’s blog is golden. I am forwarding a link to all my friends so that they can enjoy it. I laughed so hard I could hardly breathe.
This was great! So funny and so true to the experience of having a colonoscopy! But on a serious note, after having watched my husband experience Shingles, I can only say, RUN, don’t walk, to get your Shingles vaccination!!
I had one on tuesday also. Yours sounded like my first one 12 years ago, which is why I didn’t do it again until now. This time was much better all the way around. I’m happy my doctor was alittle more patient friendly than yours, especially with my choice of prep liquids.
My doctor has been after me to have a one and I have been putting it off. But after reading your blog…and laughing so hard, maybe I should get it done…..it can’t be that bad….. Right?
Having just gone through much the same thing in the last month, Doug, I fully appreciated your story. You had it much easier than I did, though, if you can imagine that! For whatever reason, I was not completely “under”, I felt every single blast of air they put in there, and I farted from one end of the building nonstop to the other where my recovery room was. Thank goodness, I’m posting with a pseudonym! The way I see it, maybe I’ll forget this unpleasantness by the time 10 years rolls around … or is it 5 because my mom had colon cancer? Oh shucks. Oh well, the unpleasantness is worth it in the long run if you’re lucky enough to get a “negative” report!
OMG, LOL Doug, you should write a book. Glad the results of the test were good!
Doug, You had it easy! My first colonoscopy was about 18 years ago at Ft. Meade. They didn’t give you any gas or anything, and you got to watch the incredible journey on the TV screen right in front of you!! As Baxter Black the cowboy poet would say, “That’s a mite bit severe!!” I had another one last Winter and they knocked me out and I didnt feel a thing! That really seemed like the way to go!! Stu
What a wonderful feature!! I had the procedure done three years ago. The worst part was drinking the super laxative. I did not drink the last cup or so because I was going to bring it up rather than it going out. I was out like a light when given the sedative. When I woke up I was offered something to eat. I had one of the very best bran muffins I have ever had. I wanted a second muffin, but there were not any more, that was a disappointment. Doug, please get the Shingles vaccine if you have not already. My mother had Shingles and it was so painful and debilitating. I have other relatives who had Shingles, they suffered a lot. I received my vaccine a couple of years ago. Made my arm sore for a about a week, but that was nothing compared to the pain of Shingles. Thank you for the laughs, you have an “eye” for writing.
I managed to delay my (so far) one and only colonoscopy by insisting that it be done without sedation. I finally got the OK to do it, and my regular doctor informed me that I was certifiably insane. My parish nurse insisted that I have her number so I could call her for my ride home. It confused most of the staff at Medical Building 3, because they aren’t used to anyone leaving alone. When I saw the parish nurse later that afternoon, she was sure I hadn’t gone through with it. I will do it without sedation again, but I have no quibbles with anyone else being “out” for the procedure.
I’m old enough for a colonoscopy, but not for a shingles vaccine? Oh, well.
I’m glad that you finally had this done. Your readers needed a good laugh and you delivered! Dave Barry would be proud. And me, I’m just glad everything came out ok in the end. Tom
Oh my gosh! You should have prefaced this blog with a warning – don’t take a swig of coffee unless you want it coming out your nose! I laughed so hard people stopped at my office to see if I’d gone over the edge. Hilarious, all the more so that the outcome was good. Love you!
Great story, Doug! Can’t help but be reminded of that catchy Chordette song “Lop the Polyp, Lop the Polyp, Oh Lop the Lop the Polyp”
Groaning at John’s revised lyrics, but laughing with all the rest. Well written, funny and true to a T. I’ve made the same visit a couple of times myself, most recently a few months ago. I really thought there would have been an improvement in the “look out below juice, but…no. Another thought…they typically use something called “conscious sedation”. That means you are awake, can respond to questions and direction but tend not to remember much. The patient tends to talk, so it is possible, given your wit, that you may have added some new humorous comments that will remain unreported. What happens in Medical Building 3, stays in Medical Building 3.
So funny and true! I’ve had 2 and it sure is good that they can put you out totally. At least that’s how I feel. Reminds me of the time I was bringing my business partner home after his and on south Minnesota Ave. he said “That must be a real bad fire, look at all of the fire trucks!” Well we were by the fire station and there was no fire. Keep writing Doug, I know Mrs. Schultz would be proud! I check daily for anything new.
This was hilarious; best blog yet!! Thank God for indoor plumbing, eh? If you drink a 12 pack of Grain Belts you could accomplish the same thing as that magic juice. Only difference is you get can catch a buzz in the process and then have a headache. As a 29 year old I see I have a lot to look forward to. I am hoping there will be much less invasive ways to get the job done by the time I have to get one down the road.
Loved the retelling of your procedure. Had mine and an endoscopy (where they go in from the other end) on the same day. Asked that, if they used the same ‘hose’, they at least start from the top.
Keep entertaining us – we need all the smiles we can get these days.
I’ve had 3 in past 4 years. First 2 were within 2 months of each other. First time, the doctor took a group of polyps from the same general location & he wanted another done to see if they gave any indication of quickly coming back. So I had to get another one done a couple months after the first.
Never went to sleep during any of them. The 1st two I just pretty layed there, watching the yellow and/or green jello globs shoot past & feelng the pain of the air going the wrong way. During the last one he had me rolling side to side, laying on my back, etc so he could guide the thing to the proper spot.
We can put a man on the moon but we have to shove a tube up a person’s rectum to check for polyps.
What made the colostomy story so funny is that I am in the process of having one done Monday. The words you put together were the best. And I have been through it before so that made it more hilarious. I hope my results are the same as yours.